Where oh where have my first basemen gone?

SAS needs firstbasemen like Ben Afflek needs acting classes.
Where is Rube, Heidi and Indiana when I need them?
It's not like I'm throwing at your head....catch the goddamn ball. And when you catch it, close your goddamn glove. Use TWO hands. Bring your non-glove hand to close the mitt so that the ball doesn't bounce/drop/slip out. If I have to rush the goddamn throw cos of a slow roller, get off the goddamn bag to stop the goddamn ball. Ball-goddamn-first goddamnit! Why are you standing on the goddamn bag and trying to stretch and miss, rather than taking a step off, catching and THEN stepping on first base? Gupdroppa strikes again, and I wasn't even suffering from knoblochitis. Fucking hell, my goddamn throws were spot-goddamn-on.